Love Hurts - A Parody
by pentrinity
Summary: A Katawa Shoujo parody. NOTE: Rated M only for occasional cursing - there are no sexual scenes. It will simply be suggested in the future but there will be no implementation of them. So what happens if everything from Katawa Shoujo becomes more literal? It's gets hella funny, that's what. Make sure you have played the game before, as there are spoilers, and references!
1. Chapter 1 - Love Hurts

Chapter 1 - Love Hurts

"Ay you should me meet under the tree for secret reasons :)

-Iwanakaoaon-chan

P.S ILOVEYOU (oops)"

The simple note lies in my hand as I ponder over what she could want. This seemed surreal - could this possibly be a confession? Although I didn't want to keep my hopes up, I don't dismiss the fact.

As I trudge through the impassable blizzard that apparently was judged as good weather by this girl, I eventually make her out, shivering from the cold around her. I eventually make it to her and smile widely as I patiently gather pneumonia while awaiting for a reason.

She hesitates (although that could've been her shivering and being unable to speak due to her teeth chittering from the cold), and says the words "I love you" to me.

I practically melted - my heart skips a beat in joy! Oh shit, wait, that ain't no ordinary skip. Oh fu-

And my thoughts are left hanging as I pass out in the snow, slowly sinking into the soft, silky substance. My eyes close as I see the girl panicking.

I feel my body awake from a deep slumber. My eyes don't want to open yet, so I settle to my other senses to detect what is going on around me. It smells unnaturally clean, and of chemicals. I sense I am lying down, and I also feel multiple things...poking me.

As I begin to creep out, I open my eyes and see white everywhere. This is it, I died. Apparently the universe hates me so much that it decided to kill me when a girl finally liked me.

Bummed, I decided to check out this "heaven" I have ascended to. But as I move myself up a bit, I realize that I am in fact in a hospital, and have not joined the dead. As I rejoice in the happiness of the living, I get bummed once again as I realize that I was incapacitated when love finally happened to me. Bummer.

I wait patiently as I see the doctor enter in his white uniform, through the white door, along with a white piece of paper. As I dwell on the fact that all printer paper is white, the doctor catches my attention.

"Yo boy your heart got fucked up good. You gonna stay for a long ass time!" he says in a cheeky smile, where he then proceeds to leave.

Well, so much for school. I recline back down and decide to nap.

===4 months later===

I wake up, feeling as if a large deal of time passed in a few sentences in some crappy story.

I hear the door click open, and watch as my doctor walks in followed by my parents. He seems happier than usual, which is actually quite alarming, due to the fact that his smile reaches up to his eyes.

My parents have a pretty indifferent look on their face, almost as if they are bored with the whole situation.

Confused, I patiently await their words.

"Heyo, it's been like three months yo and you good now! By the way, you got arrhythmia and your heart is now fucked up real good. You'll need these 300 different types of medicine so you don't die. Have funnnn!" the doctor explains as his voice trails off while he leaves the room.

I stare at my parents and wait to see if they will say anything.

"Ey cripple, we hate you now, so go to this weird school for the disabled here you go bye!" and they proceed to toss a brochure of this school called "Yamako - School for the Disabled". Wow, how depressing. I watch as they leave, with a specific finger pointing straight up, yet making me feel that somehow it was meant for me. Well, so much for my old life.

After my doctor pops his head in to make sure my parents left the room, he enters with a grand look on his face.

"You're free!" he exclaims as he pulls out every single tube and needle connecting to me out of my body, grabbing a hold of the chair I am lying down on, and lifts it up. I end up falling down on the floor, head-first, and consequently passing out.


	2. Chapter 2 - A New Life

**Chapter 2 - A New Life**

I peer out from the safety of my eyelids to see a gate in front of me, appearing out of place next to the bricks that contrast it on either side of it. It looks pretty cool, with an intricate design and beautiful metal carvings. I feel like it stands for something, but I can't get a grasp on what. Eh, whatever - probably just some symbolic shit or something.

I push past the gates and continue to go inside. This new school appears to be quite big, and although it looks like one whole building, the left wing appears to be detached and perhaps serve for another purpose.

Honestly, I don't care enough to bother with this extraneous info, so I head down through the main entrance, ready to start my new life with weirdos around me.

As I shove open the large doors, I enter a main hallway with anachronistic foundation, yet with modern details that look terrible together. I wince at this fashion crime as I notice a lanky, suspicious man leaning on a pillar, trying to look cool. Yea right, as if he could.

The man gets up and begins to walk over to me, with a very odd smile on his face. I ready myself to be raped until I end up hearing his voice break the virgin silence hanging in the air.

"Hello! You must be that new kid, Hanako, correct?" he begins, failing miserably even though he is most obviously looking at my file.

"It's Hisao." I reply, coldly.

"Well, doesn't matter! It's always nice to see new faces around here!" he ignorantly exclaims. I don't think he realizes that he is implying it is nice to see people becoming permanently disabled for the rest of their life show up here. Nice to know there's a friendly environment.

"Well! Do you want to introduce yourself?" he questions, and then freezes.

I tense up by this sudden happening; it's as if the world stopped and is waiting for my answer to this man's question. I find it very unsettling as I walk around and began probing his body. Odd.

I wonder how I could get out of this predicament. Maybe I'll answer his question?

"Well yea, I'm no pussy…" I say, proudly.

The world begins to work like normal and everything begins moving again.

"Awesome!" he replies, his smile becoming crooked as he arches it up. "Your class is 3-3 with me, Mutou! We're going to become great friends!"

I'm going to be stuck with this pedophile for a few months? Things were not looking up. I walk to my inevitable doom as Mutou lurks across the halls, leading me to my new class with new people in the new school of a whole new world.


	3. Creepy Class and Eerie Encounters

**Chapter 3 - Creepy Class and Eerie Encounters**

Mutou advanced through the door and lugged me behind him. As I hauled my feet through the door, Mutou's face brightened up as he announced that a new member has joined the class. My contradicting complexion served to negate all the enthusiasm present in Mutou's announcement as I pondered what to talk about.

"Well, hehe, where do I begin? Well, I'm disabled." A round of applause began, as I notice that out of all these normal and abnormal faces, there is one odd one that sticks out such a considerable amount, I wondered if that was her disability - her bright, scintillating, radiant pink hair. Wait, are those drills in her hair?! I stand shocked as the rest of the class becomes very puzzled.

"Well thank you for that very charming introduction! You may sit wherever you want!" Mutou finishes up my introduction for me and I look around where to sit. Hopefully I don't end up next to the pink chick, or else I feel like my head would be replaced with a hole if I lean the wrong way.

Although there is only one seat present, in the front of the classroom, it appears to be next to nobody disturbing enough (like that construction worker hair girl thing), but it does get awfully close to some emo chick hiding behind her hair. I'll just make sure to never look that way, or else a knife might end up in my heart, alongside my arrhythmia.

After I seat myself, Mutou looks happy to begin with his lesson of the day. After such a long day, I plop my head down onto the desk and doze off for the rest of the class.

== _After the finishing of the dozing_ ==

I feel like something is poking me. Oh no, am I in the hospital again? If so, I will personally punch my heart right in the-

Oh, it's pink drills and cute girl with a short skirt. Nice.

Mutou comes out of nowhere and leans in with that creepy smile of his. I nearly jump out of my skin when he begins to say, "This is student council president Shizune and her trusty sidekick-"

"Waha!~~~!~~~~~~HE~`Y I ~~AM N~~O~T A SI~DEKICK!~~~~~~~~~!1" Pink Lemonade retorts.

For some unexplainable reason, I feel like there are way too many kawaii ~ marks in her sentence, even though she doesn't say anything of the sort. But she sure as hell is freaking loud.

"Well, I'll leave you be…" Mutou says, who then proceeds to leave the scene as quickly as possible.

"Hello Hisao~~~! My name is… and I am part of the _**STUDENT COUNCIL**_ , and an unofficial official translator for Shiichan, _**STUDENT COUNCIL**_ president, right over here~~!" Strawberry Shortcake announces quite loudly.

I seemed to have missed her name, but I'm sure that isn't important. What I am curious about, is what language this girl speaks? Maybe that's her disability, not being able to speak English? That would explain why she came to America to pursue an education, because fuck logic! I decide to ask bluntly what language she speaks.

"Hey, DO…YOU…UNDERSTAND….ENGLISH" I ask hesitantly.

The Shicchan chick begins moving her hand aro-HEY IS SHE FLIPPING ME OFF? I proceed to stick up both my middle fingers, waggle them around in her face, and put them in my pockets. There ain't no nigga who can fuck with me. I am about to turn on my heel and make a beautiful retreat when Flamboyant Flamingo over here taps my shoulder gently, and begins to speak.

"Erm~~, she said 'Hey cutie, want to hang with us~~'" Cotton Candy translates, awkwardly shifting about after the sudden bout that occurred.

Strawberry Jubilee explains that her name is not, contrary to popular belief, Cherry Blossoms, but actually Misha~~. Apparently, she explained that you need the ~'s or else it isn't her name… This school is really fuckin' weird.

Anyways, they signal for me to follow them downwards, an action that I'm not too inclined on doing, however, because everybody else left and I have no idea where to go for lunch, I decide to follow them down anyways. Hopefully good food finds us because my stomach cannot take not having food for such a long time.

== _After a while later_ ==

We make it to the cafeteria after a few wrong turns and some excessive talking (by Misha obviously, not that mute deaf chick).

"THI~S IS THE CAFETERIA~~~" ~~Misha announces.

No shit, I thought it was the dorm rooms; what a fucking surprise. Although my face reflects this, Mis~ha's joyous expression does not falter. Weird.

"SO NOW THAT WE CONCLUDE THIS ~~KAWAII~~~ TOUR," Misha begins.

This is it? What a rip-off. I bet I could fall off the roof and learn more from that experience. However, I file that thought in the "bad endings" section of my life - I definitely don't want to encounter that.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT!?" Misha…asks? I'm not sure what that was honestly…

While I ponder this predicament, I take notice on the fact that everything is now frozen. The once bustling cafeteria is now a stoic picture, unmoving, unfeeling. How weird. This must be that weird space-time falter where I have to say something to fix the situation. Quite annoying if you ask me.

I think about what to ask. Perhaps something to do with books? In the 4 months of my stay in the hospital, all I did was read books that I found lying around. You would think I'm tired of that shit by now but apparently not.

Wanting to hurry this up so I can leave this two in the dust, I verbalize my response and watch as the world miraculously begin working again. However, this time, I feel something - I did feel this same thing last time, but I thought I had just wanted to go to the bathroom. It feels as if the number "1" is floating into the air, and adding itself to some number counter.

Perplexed by this sensation, I miss what Misha says and what Shizune pretends she says. I tune back in to hear the end, "We can show you sometime, but we fucking hate bookworms like your ass so you better get the fuck out of my face~~~ ;):):):)" Misha replies with a beaming smile. Shizune nods as if she knew what Misha said, even though I know that's total bullshit.

"Thanks" I reply back for some reason, as the two begin signing to each other away from me as I eat my food. This day has turned out to be really abnormal, just like my heart. I sigh as I realize I literally just dissed myself. It's gotten to that level…


End file.
